It was on the cards. The R-word. I was warned. At THAT hospital, attending my appointments at THAT unit, I was told, "You're heading for a relapse and you can't outrun it." Oh really? Well, just watch me WIN! Ahahaha!! But she was right. I couldn't outrun it. And so I've spent my entire Easter break - from my once-a-week 3 hour evening class - in the thick of the R-word.
So, how's the course going? Well.... I produced a series of architectural photographs. I met the deadline. It wasn't easy. I had to change my project for reasons that will have me spitting expletives. I found myself without a project and so I decided to go with a no-brainer architectural project. Buildings, well, they're always there. They don't move. It's not as if they give you any horseshit either. All I needed to do was to have the energy to turn up where the skyscrapers hang out.
"All you have to do is...." Really? Well, we all roll our eyes at that one, don't we? But my trouble is, my self-talk is still stuck in the fantasy land of wellness. I think it's called being 'in denial'. That's my big CBT issue. I won't admit my limitations and by doing so I can't manage my activities as well as I could.
I couldn't sustain the energy levels necessary to get everything done on time. The first lot of prints weren't up to standard, so I had to re-print, but that's sort of par for the course. We all need our little bit of 11th hour drama, after all. So, the prints arrived just in time and were handed in on the last day of term. As for the written work, I had nothing and had to ask for an extension. I pretended that it was nearly finished. Admitting that I'd nearly started might have been closer to the truth.
And so, I've struggled through the Easter break, mostly bed/rest bound. I was warned. And it happened.
Where does that leave me now? Well, my plans to do the written work haven't exactly gone to schedule. And I am worried about whether I'm going to be well enough in time for the new term, and to do another project next term and get it all done on time. The past two days I've had a little bit more energy but I have enough experience of this illness to know that coming out of a relapse can be like snakes and ladders.
The picture above was taken the last day I went out properly, spending the dregs of my energy on a trip to the Tate Modern. A photo of the porcelain sunflower seeds that no-one is allowed to walk on because of toxic fumes. I think that's the story.
2 comments:
Well I know this sounds 'waggy finger' but be damned careful. My last relapse whch I thought would be a weeks or too (cos I've got this thing sussed now havent I ? !!) lasted about a year and has still had long term cosequences.
Does you tutor know you have any health problems ? Does s/he know you have M.E. or even chronic fatigue ? or have you been hiding the fact...pretending youre a 'normal' ? :O) We all do it for different reasons...guilty as charged Officer. Did it myself for years until it got me in BIG trouble.
Do hope the Easter resting has helped and you can pick up the course where you left it x
Yes, I made sure I contacted the disabilities support person at the college at the beginning of the course and discussed potential difficulties. Although the tutor "knows" I have ME - in a theoretical way - I don't think he quite gets the day-to-day difficulties, restrictions, and stuff like that. If I do the work then he can't see the problem.
To satisfy the exam board, I had to produce a letter of support well in advance to confirm that I have ME and that I may need extra time for assignments, and I had to assert that need at the end of last term when it was obvious that I was going to miss the deadline for the written part.
But yes, I'm guilty of the "let's pretend I'm normal" syndrome. I thought I was being a wee bit more assertive by coming out of the closet and telling the disabilities person, who in turn let the tutor know. But I have to tell myself too...
I'm picking up a little bit but I know I have to be really, really careful this week to consolidate any improvement. And yes, I do need a finger wagger from time to time!
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