Blonde on black
I'm studying photography. I have an assignment to submit. The person I was supposed to be collaborating with lost interest but wasn't exactly straight with me so I wasted a lot of time waiting to arrange photo sessions that didn't materialise. My intuition had me on the alert very early on. I cut my losses. I thought about the fallback plan that didn't exist.
So I thought. And thought. And February passed by very quickly. I needed a project and fast.
I had been working on my own idea. It's a bit conceptual. I'm using the camera as a tool to bend and shape light in much the same way that an artist will use a brush or a palette knife to manipulate paint on a canvas. It's about expressing myself, my perceptions and experiences and dare I say even my perpetual state of cognitive dissonance and sensory overload. It's not about being pixel-perfect and tack-sharp. It's not really about photography. No. Not really.
I didn't consider this project as being assignment-worthy. I'm creating art with a camera. I'm not honing the technical skills of 'good' photography. I can do technical but it's not what drives me to pick up a camera.
If anything, my biggest influence as a photographer was probably the kaleidoscope I had as a kid. A cheap tinny cylinder with a cow jumping over the moon and a dish and a spoon holding hands. I saw it in the 1970s equivalent of a pound shop. I was transfixed but we had to leave the shop and go home. On Christmas Day one of those tinny, rattly kaleidoscopes turned up in my Christmas stocking. I loved that thing. I could never make the same pattern twice.
Some years ago, in the early days of digital photography, I went out with my camera and became disheartened. I found myself at a popular location taking the same photos in the same spot as everyone else. The photography magazines were full of the same old views and everything looked sort of similar. No, I don't want this, I thought to myself. I don't want to take the same photos as everyone else. My creative journey from that point on took me through some interesting ideas, one being the desire to make an image that could never be re-created again. Not even by me, using the same camera and returning to the same location. I liked that. I wanted random. I wanted spontaneity. I wanted unpredictability.
For the past term and a half, I've been studying 'proper photography'. How to control the camera. How to expose properly. How to use light meters and use studio flash. All well and good. That's what the course is about. To some extent. But how realistic is it that I'm going to be shooting fashion spreads or trekking up mountains with a backpack and heavy duty tripod? Not very.
Throughout this time I've developed a little theme that was running in the background. It's about movement and motion, it's about depersonalisation and anonymity, it's about sensory overload and cognitive blah blah, and it goes by the working title of Disorientation. It's not about ME/CFS - it may be well-hidden, but yes, it's an influence. It's about the intentional use of blur and abstraction. It's hit and miss. And just like the kaleidoscope, I could never recreate the same effect twice.
This week three people have asked me why am I not using this project for my coursework. I've been saying all along that it's not suitable, it's not technical enough, it's not conventional enough. Some people wouldn't even call it photography. And maybe it isn't, but…
This morning I woke up and decided. I'm going to finish this project and use it as my course assignment. I might be bending the stuffy old rules somewhat but I'm going to do it. I don't have the time nor the energy to start a new project. This project is something I've pursued and explored. It has excited me and motivated me to keep on exploring. It expresses who I am and how I experience the world. This is my project.
4 comments:
Sounds good to me. Rules are there to be broken. Your course seems to be about more about the tools of your craft but one you've done that you're better able to follow your vision and bend the rules (and the light)
So interesting to read all you say here about the process and everything that led you to this point. With a creative project like this you can bring everything you are and though it is not about ME/CFS, it makes absolute sense that it would be a powerful influence. Exciting stuff.
Thanks for your positive responses. You both obviously can see the creative process as a journey of discovery and not as a technical tick box exercise. This is the problem with photography—is 'good photography' a exercise in button pressing and camera programming, or is it about using the camera to explore, experiment and ultimately create a visually compelling image regardless of technical perfection?
A combination of an impactful image and good technique is probably the ultimate goal but it helps to remember that some of the most iconic photographs are not necessarily pin sharp and perfect, such as Henri Cartier-Bresson's bicycle photo or the man jumping over the puddle. But these images demonstrate perfectly the meaning of 'The Decisive Moment'. And then there are the people who would argue that these latter day saints of photography are overrated because the weren't producing technical perfection and they photographed the mundane and everyday. All in the eye of the beholder I guess.
I'm very anxious though. What if the tutor say, "This just doesn't hack it. You've gone too far off the tried-and-true." I'm in one of those exam situations where you write well but you don't answer the question. Failure could be an option.
Well if that does happen this is where you learn to be a true advocate for your practice. When I was doing my degree I went WAY (and I mean WAY) of beam and had exactly the sort of comments you are beginning to anticipate. At first I was daunted...I nearly gave in and did 'nice painting to get a good degree and then I thought 'Nah...I've waited a long time for this and I'm going to so what I want and what matters to me' and I had reasons to back up my opinions and my art. Meant I had to write letters and insist on external assessors from specific places but we got there in the end.
You stick to your guns....what you're doing isn't just some flight of fancy.
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