For the past six months I've been waiting and waiting—waiting to get better. And then some more waiting to get better. As this relapse has gone on, a week passes, then a month passes. And then one day I realised it's been five months… six months… and then, in the cold light of day, realising that recovery could take very long time. But… I've been here before. I just didn't expect a season ticket.
I dropped out of my art class—I managed to go to one class in the entire summer term, after which I was extremely exhausted and quite unwell, and that was that. I haven't been taking photographs. I haven't been anywhere.*
*I'm not including medical appointments. They are far too boring to count as going anywhere.
The instinct to make and do is still there, but the energy isn't it. I'm not one for taking photographs of medicines, cats, or other 'invalid' genres, but I don't know what I can photograph, being stuck indoors in a pokey shoebox flat. I've already photographed light switches, power points, cooker rings etc, many a time. Perhaps I'm missing something. Am I being too closed-minded? Maybe I should photograph the nitty gritty of the daily existence. Perhaps another cameraphone project could be a start. After all, it's more important to make stuff rather than get angst-y over not making stuff. Something to think about.
In the meantime I'm getting on with my Kandinsky colouring-in book, as a time-managed activity. Pacing and all that. I miss my class. I miss my classmates. I miss my friends. I miss having projects to do. So, the colouring-in book it must be. At least for now.
6 comments:
Oh good to see you posting at least :) Miserable ...and there seem to be so, so many people in the M.E. world who are seriously flagging just now.
If you could manage it, another camera phone project may be a good thing: structure, keeping in touch with ones creativity etc etc..or you could take photos of your colouring-in and keep in touch that way :)
Thinking of you x
So sorry you are having such a bad relapse, Dig.
The instinct to make and do is still there, but the energy isn't it.
As long as the instinct is there, you are still creating!
wishing you some energy soon, Nx
Thanks, Cusp. Another cameraphone project appeals to my current state of health because I can upload straight from the phone without having to transfer, edit, resize etc on the computer beforehand. However, I cant think of many interesting subjects… unless I photograph my cats, haha. As for the colouring in book, I'm using oil pastels at the moment, they are a bit clunky and the results look a bit… juvenile? You can only indulge your inner child so far ;)
Digi, it's just good to see you again. I have also been lying quite low, but am putting head above the parapet again. Whatever we can do - small, good things.
I know it's pictures you want to be making, and I do like to see them. But I like to read your words too, just saying. What you say has resonance for me.
Thanks for your good wishes, nmj and Signs.
I haven't been this bad for this long and at this level so consistently for many years. I don't think I realised how poorly I was. I won't write a catalogue about it, suffice to say it took all my physical energy reserves.
Nmj, yes, I am creating in my mind. I'm looking at photo books and podcasts and stuff. I'm still interested, if not actually 'doing'.
Signs, thanks for reading my 'words'. I never feel confident about my writing. It's partly due to the ME brain not being too sharp and partly due to my limited participation in the outside world—I never know whether I have anything to say or whether I'm just moaning. But thanks. Perhaps I should persevere.
It does sound like a bad relapse, Dig - it truly sucks. Being forced to stay indoors/ in bed always freaks me out again, if it is for a prolonged period, more than the norm (our norm). And there is also the psychological shift to make, to being so ill again. It is upsetting. I always enjoy your words, you make the every day interesting, and are never moany!
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