Mission accomplished

I did it. I finished the photography course. Although I'll need to wait another week or so to learn my 'official' results, I'll have a qualification in photography. Not that it's all about grades and certificates, but we all know that anyway. Despite completing the course and handing in the work on time - and yes, the fact that I did it and saw it through is a major achievement in itself - I can't help feeling sort of flat and disappointed about the whole experience.

The prevailing opinion amongst my classmates is that the teaching was substandard. The tutor seemed jaded and cynical. His attitude seemed to be one of 'if you don't know this stuff you shouldn't be here'. He didn't give any meaningful feedback on our work, positive or otherwise. He didn't give us any encouragement or advice on how to improve our grades. In fact, his attitude was very much one of sink or swim. At first I thought that he didn't like me, or he didn't like my work, or that my ideas were crap, or something like that. But as I got to know the people on the course, most of them felt exactly as I did. We felt demotivated and couldn't wait for the course to be over. Yes folks, this course wasn't the breakthrough that I thought it was going to be.

As well as the crappy teaching and zero encouragement, attending classes and doing the coursework was a huge undertaking and the cost in health terms was huge. After my class which was on a Friday, I spent every Saturday and Sunday either in bed or on the bed feeling utterly drained, doing what I could for my coursework mid-week. I suffered a major relapse in April and it was mid to late June by the time I was back to my pre-relapse state. My second project was a series of photographs taken in other peoples' houses who knew I was ill and offered to me help out. That photo above is one of them—and if the everyday and mundane were good enough for Eggleston and Shore… etc, etc.

There were some good aspects. I met some fabulously talented photographers—we laughed a lot, we encouraged each other, we went to the pub a few times, and we'll stay in touch and meet up now and again. Together we put up the end of term show not just the work of our own class but other courses too—my role was organising which photographs went well together on the wall and how they should be arranged. No hammering! We also had our work featured in another exhibition (see previous posts) where we had rather a lot of fun and wine at the private view.

I also have to say, my CBT therapist—who is an exceptional woman, enormously encouraging and probably the most ME-aware health professional that I've met—approved wholeheartedly of my going to the pub and enjoying a glass of wine or three with my photo pals. Yet at the same time, I became painfully aware of the differences between my ME lifestyle and their wellness and the choice that their good health affords them.

But I'm looking forward. There are projects that need to be brought to completion. There are new projects to begin once they are revealed to me. There is inspiration yet to be found. The Vorticists and Poetography are in town so stay tuned…