Self help, self hindrance

Personal development. Spiritual growth. Call it what you will. I believe in it. I’m living with a long term illness which prevents me from living a fulfilled and creative life. Or even a boring, mundane life for that matter. I’ve always has the urge to create, To make things. I love to learn and I love to discover. None of this is easy when you are struggling to survive and I admit it, I need all the help I can get in the absence of a peer group or a supportive community that all artists need. None of us can live a creative life in a state of isolation. That’s where I’m coming from. Just so you know.

Many PWME go down the path of ‘personal growth’ when they get ill. That’s OK. We all need to find some meaning in our lives when everything that we assumed we were going to do vanishes into a puff of smoke. Where did our lives go? Where did WE go? It’s understandable that we look for something that gives our lives a new meaning, a new purpose.

But it’s not that easy. There are those who believe in anything without question, there are those who believe in nothing and are overly cynical, there are those who find the soul-searching and questioning such hard work they retreat into a sort of victim mindset. Throw in the alt therapies from the sensible to the bizarre and the picture becomes all the more complicated. The mind-body-spirit question. People believe that they are ill because of some subconscious trauma that some therapy/therapist will discover, and once they’ve done their bit of subconscious weeding, lo-and-behold, their symptoms will abate and full recovery will happen. Only it doesn’t. So they move on to the next one. And the next.

This is where it gets tricky. People get fixated on ‘recovery’ and they can’t live their lives until they ‘recover’. Now, having had ME for over 20 years, I’ve had to redefine what ‘recovery’ means - for me it’s not about the absence of symptoms but ‘recovering’ what I can do within my limitations and making a meaningful life. And yes, I have used self-help books along the way. But the bottom line is…self-help is no help at all if it doesn’t help me to DO SOMETHING. In other words, live my life. For some PWME, the relentless pursuit of personal growth becomes an end in itself with no real purpose. And here’s where it gets personal.

I’ve had a friendship that’s fizzled out recently. Another PWME. She was pursuing the relentless journey of self development. She saw it as her way of getting better. She believed in things that I have no time for, but what the heck? I figured if whatever therapy is giving her what she needs to get through it all, who am I to plaster my beliefs over anyone? But the live and let live ethos was not reciprocated.

I found myself on the receiving end of her rather aggressive brand of amateur psychology. Her favourite word was/is “should”. Everyone else (except her) “should” do this or "should" do that otherwise they are hindering their recovery. But as I said, my definition of recovery means recovering a meaningful life. I make photographs and I design books. I’m studying and as a result I’m going to have my work exhibited. In other words, I have a life (with the usual ME caveats, blah blah etc). Ultimately, self help is about making our own choices on our own terms.

My friend’s criticism often extended into my personal and creative territory which I considered to be out of bounds to her. My attitude wasn’t right. My thinking wasn’t right. Nobody would like my work because it had been created with negativity (eh?) and people would pick up on that. And blah blah blah. Bullshit. She could talk the talk. Parrot fashion.

But what did she actually DO with all her personal growth except berate other people for their lack? Well…nothing, actually. She once said she was going to be a writer. A series of self help books for PWME. Apparently. She kept it up for a long time until I said I’d be interested in reading any drafts she’d written. “Oh, I haven’t actually written anything yet”. Amen.

So I wonder, what exactly is the value of all this personal growth if it doesn’t actually achieve anything except anaesthetise people into a state of inactivity and dependency on pretty aura-coloured band-aids?

Self-help is not about logging on to YouTube and watching endless video clips of some personal growth guru wearing rabbit ears and doing a stand-up routine. That’s entertainment. Self-help is not playing amateur psychologist and chastising others about living their lives wrongly just because they aren’t following your script. That’s intolerance.

So back to the disclaimery stuff. See first para. Blah blah. No offence intended to vulnerable, isolated PWME going through difficult times etc.